Spiritual Stuff – MEyeStories

Unconditional love is a concept highly sought after by humans. The idea that we could find someone to love no matter what. The trick to the idea of “unconditional” is that “no matter what” includes loving under any circumstance: being badly hurt/mistreated, distance in time and space, unmet or ignored needs, betrayal, judgement… When I really began to examine love in unconditional terms, well, it’s a tall order. Experience has taught me that conditional love is more comfortable. I’ve had many friendships/relationships end because together, we weren’t meeting one another’s expectations and so it was easier to move on than to fight for the love.

What I’ve recently learned, is that to purely love another being or thy self, no matter what, is where true connection lies. I’m beginning to awaken to the possibility that to learn how to love to myself will set me free and create beautiful, meaningful relationships in the process.

Let’s back it up though, this wisdom and pondering of love was actually born out of a truly ridiculous circumstance. I write this today, squinting a bit, because I can’t quite see clearly out of my right eye. My eyelid is taking a temporary reprieve from its normal duties to rest under the unintentional (leaking), toxic, penalization of its acting muscles. You read it right, my eyelid is actually paralyzed, because of toxins, that I intentionally injected into my face, because I was hoping that shooting said toxins into my face, would somehow make me more beautiful.

Here I have two very interesting sets of circumstances; the need for something to make me feel more beautiful, lovable really, and the hope of cultivating true unconditional self-love. And while I thought I had the ladder figured out, I’m beginning to question whether or not this ‘self-love” rhetoric that’s moving through social media and touted by the likes of Oprah and Gwyneth, has come without certain limitations or caveats, for me anyway.

I remember being a little girl who lived for getting dressed up. I wore a dress every day and when the weather was too cold in the Colorado climate in which I was raised, I struck a deal with my Dad that I would anchor pants under any said dress. No matter what, I insisted on wearing a dress, preferably in a hue of purple. I’m not sure where this idea came from? I know that some of my earliest memories of being in public with my Mom where filled with strangers stopping us and saying “what a beautiful little girl!” “Look at her in that dress!” What came first; the compliments or my keen sense of feminine styling? All I know is, that from an early age I began to correlate that looking “good” would allot me a certain level of positive feedback and what I perceived to be love.

I can recall my Mom brushing my hair for hours…I learned how to blow out my own hair by the age of six. That’s right “blow out,” because my natural curls where for some reason in need of un doing; their natural ability to flow needed to be controlled and set into a certain place, to perform a certain way. Yes, that’s a metaphor …the ritual I was performing on my hair laid the foundation for how I started be.

Throughout my life I have presented my body, clothes, personality, interests in a way that I’ve felt (through years of feedback and domestication) would garner me love and acceptance. I assumed, that love was contingent on my meeting certain needs for others/myself and expectations from society. Thus, I have made it a full time job to maintain my beauty, weight, fun personality and now, youth, in order to remain loved.

I have recently been reminded by my spiritual teacher this truth, “I have value simply because I exist. My value as an individual is immeasurable.” This truth applies to EVERYONE.

I have been working on loving and accepting myself for years, but this reminder was really needed recently after the whole eyelid incident. So, if we are put on this earth to simply be and contribute to the world through our uniqueness and individually miraculous contributions, why is it that so many of us learn at an early age to not honor that individuality? I can’t believe it’s as simple as media projections and societal expectations… I’m sure these elements of influence have been around in some form since caveman, but if our truest purpose is to just exist, why are we bending over backwards to in-authenticate our experiences?

The answer for me goes back to those early years in the lavender dresses and the perfect blowouts. It seems simple, but I can trace the feedback that led me down a belief system that love is conditional and acceptance is earned through beauty and a sense of ease (especially for woman). I started receiving messages about my personality, appearance and likability from the time I’ve had awareness about my social place in the world. Up until very recently, I decided to match that feedback with the careful curation of my appearance. And up until 8 weeks ago, when I paralyzed my face to the point of temporary blindness, I started to white knuckle my physical youth.

Let’s be clear, I don’t think the importance of physical appearance (health, style, cleanliness) is without merit. If you know me, you know I love clothes, because it’s my form of artistic expressions. The value of this discussion is in encouraging my fellow humans to step back and ask ourselves how all of our choices are making us feel? Do our choices feel good because they enrich our experiences or are they feeling necessary in order gain acceptance or an outcome? Am I paralyzing my face because I truly feel that a wrinkle-free face is aiding my peace and happiness or because I want to post a “perfect” picture on social media for validation?

I’ve also been taught that suffering is derived from needing “things” to be different than they intrinsically are. So why do we feel so comfortable identifying with suffering and always striving for this “better?” What if what is (within ourselves/who we are) is just enough? I’m sorry for all of the rhetorical questions, but I am truly curious!

Not being able to physically see has given me the clearest vision I’ve ever had about myself and my need for unconditional self love. My currency in this world has little if nothing to do with the lines on my forehead or the pounds around my waste. It is true that we live in a society where being thin and beautiful is associated with success, love, adoration, attention and ultimately power. But if we can go back to this truth; we are valuable and powerful simply because we exist, and we choose to truly believe in this truth, what magic could come of that?

What if we spent less time in the mirror and more time within ourselves cultivating ultimate acceptance and true love that is absolute? What if we rewarded little kids with feedback about their acts of kindness and contributions instead of their appearances and outfit choices? We would all probably find, at least a little peace and create thoughts that center more around love and less around fear.

If I am always loving; myself, you, everyone (on some level), aren’t I creating all of the beauty that the world really needs? I tend to lean towards, yes.

January is over, the dust has settled on the new year hype, and I’m thinking about resolutions and how they will play out. The global rhetoric right now is saturated with messages of “clean slates,” and “new beginnings.” We all want “it,” that “clean slate,” a “fresh” start a place that feels unblemished with the mistakes and poor decisions of our past. I totally sympathize with wanting something “better,” every year, even if the will power only lasts a few weeks. I salute the energy of the resolution.

But heres the “thing,” how can we move forward into theses new, uncharted, “better” places, completely free of the ties that have rooted us in our current habits and behaviors? Can anyone really have a clean slate? Wouldn’t we have to forget everything about what and why we are who we are in this moment to really start fresh? Maybe…maybe not, I’m genuinely curious.

I’ve found myself in a internal struggle this week trying to begin a new. I was sick most of January making prioritizing my resolutions difficult. But now, when I start putting up expectations and labels such as “good,” and “bad” for my choices, I start to feel weary. My heart literally begins to ache as though to say “Really? have you no idea who we are? Are you so “bad” as you are today? Do you really need such a drastic change? Can’t we just continue to be kind and act with loving intentions and let the chips fall where they may??” My heart’s voice is becoming louder as I become more experienced and connected to my truest self and my highest good. So when it speaks, I know that I must pay attention to it’s message.

My point in observing resolutions and the behavior/desire associated with wanting to start anew, is, that we can’t really ever start over without honoring how we’ve “grown” in this spot. If I’m overweight and want to start eating better to loose said weight, I cannot simply start a new routine and use phrases like “responsibility,” “good choices,” and “accountability.” I have to address what the weight represents both physically and emotionally in my heart and on my hips. Perhaps I am padding my body so that it will go unnoticed to others, there’s a chance I stopped working out because I was feeling low and had no energy, and maybe I just ate whatever the fuck I wanted out of surrender to not wanting to care so much about my body for once…If I don’t evaluate what my current state is rooted in, how can I really evolve out of the place? It’s not enough to want the clean slate, we have to want to get to the bottom of the “why,” maybe work on healing it (if necessary) in order to proceed with new connectedness, awareness and acceptance.

I write this because I see so many people, myself included, beating themselves up over unsuccessful attempts at change and resolve. But that whole idea of a fresh start is tricky…you can cut the tree down but the roots still exist under the foundation. I find myself asking the questions “what is this about?” “where is this coming from,” “what am I resisting, and why?” I have to ask and answer these internal inquiries in order to evolve my choices and behavior. You hear the phrase “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” I’m guessing most people assume that saying is a reference to age and cemented habits, but for me that saying illuminates how decisions rooted in old responses are hard to undo without a lot of inquiry and a loving eye. The word “teach” really means “expect to do.”

I used to look at myself in the mirror incessantly, consumed with my appearance, hoping it was good enough…but now I’m looking within, with a magnifying glass constructed of love, wisdom and curiosity. I know that any decisions, responses or reactions that may be negatively affecting my world are deeply rooted.

And here, ladies and gentleman, is what I’ve learned about a root system; some lie below the surface but can also be areal or aerating( growing up above). A roots architecture is regulated through a complex interaction between genetic responses and responses due to environmental stimuli. AND did you know that tree roots usually grow up to three times the diameter of it’s branch spread? What does all of this “root wikipedia” shit mean? It means that our sources are affected by our experiences as well our DNA and that roots are actually far deeper and larger than what they are supporting. So, understanding our roots growth patterns is really where we should start when we resolve to create a new experience.

If you feel stuck, maybe the place your in needs evaluating before you can “move on.” If your frustrated, maybe your exercising some serious resistance to change, is it possible there’s a lesson that’s not being learned? I’m just asking…I ask for myself for anyone else who feels like what is is not enough. I happen to think that what is today is more than enough and if you are breathing and alive, maybe start there, with gratitude. And with one small gratitude comes the next, and then some compassion for the stuff that you’ve been through and an internal hug or high five for being a human being, which can be really fucking hard some days.

Maybe resolutions have to start with taking a good look at what is, above and below the surface.

Happy New Year.

Category: Spiritual Stuff

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