January is over, the dust has settled on the new year hype, and I’m thinking about resolutions and how they will play out. The global rhetoric right now is saturated with messages of “clean slates,” and “new beginnings.” We all want “it,” that “clean slate,” a “fresh” start a place that feels unblemished with the mistakes and poor decisions of our past. I totally sympathize with wanting something “better,” every year, even if the will power only lasts a few weeks. I salute the energy of the resolution.
But heres the “thing,” how can we move forward into theses new, uncharted, “better” places, completely free of the ties that have rooted us in our current habits and behaviors? Can anyone really have a clean slate? Wouldn’t we have to forget everything about what and why we are who we are in this moment to really start fresh? Maybe…maybe not, I’m genuinely curious.
I’ve found myself in a internal struggle this week trying to begin a new. I was sick most of January making prioritizing my resolutions difficult. But now, when I start putting up expectations and labels such as “good,” and “bad” for my choices, I start to feel weary. My heart literally begins to ache as though to say “Really? have you no idea who we are? Are you so “bad” as you are today? Do you really need such a drastic change? Can’t we just continue to be kind and act with loving intentions and let the chips fall where they may??” My heart’s voice is becoming louder as I become more experienced and connected to my truest self and my highest good. So when it speaks, I know that I must pay attention to it’s message.
My point in observing resolutions and the behavior/desire associated with wanting to start anew, is, that we can’t really ever start over without honoring how we’ve “grown” in this spot. If I’m overweight and want to start eating better to loose said weight, I cannot simply start a new routine and use phrases like “responsibility,” “good choices,” and “accountability.” I have to address what the weight represents both physically and emotionally in my heart and on my hips. Perhaps I am padding my body so that it will go unnoticed to others, there’s a chance I stopped working out because I was feeling low and had no energy, and maybe I just ate whatever the fuck I wanted out of surrender to not wanting to care so much about my body for once…If I don’t evaluate what my current state is rooted in, how can I really evolve out of the place? It’s not enough to want the clean slate, we have to want to get to the bottom of the “why,” maybe work on healing it (if necessary) in order to proceed with new connectedness, awareness and acceptance.
I write this because I see so many people, myself included, beating themselves up over unsuccessful attempts at change and resolve. But that whole idea of a fresh start is tricky…you can cut the tree down but the roots still exist under the foundation. I find myself asking the questions “what is this about?” “where is this coming from,” “what am I resisting, and why?” I have to ask and answer these internal inquiries in order to evolve my choices and behavior. You hear the phrase “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” I’m guessing most people assume that saying is a reference to age and cemented habits, but for me that saying illuminates how decisions rooted in old responses are hard to undo without a lot of inquiry and a loving eye. The word “teach” really means “expect to do.”
I used to look at myself in the mirror incessantly, consumed with my appearance, hoping it was good enough…but now I’m looking within, with a magnifying glass constructed of love, wisdom and curiosity. I know that any decisions, responses or reactions that may be negatively affecting my world are deeply rooted.
And here, ladies and gentleman, is what I’ve learned about a root system; some lie below the surface but can also be areal or aerating( growing up above). A roots architecture is regulated through a complex interaction between genetic responses and responses due to environmental stimuli. AND did you know that tree roots usually grow up to three times the diameter of it’s branch spread? What does all of this “root wikipedia” shit mean? It means that our sources are affected by our experiences as well our DNA and that roots are actually far deeper and larger than what they are supporting. So, understanding our roots growth patterns is really where we should start when we resolve to create a new experience.
If you feel stuck, maybe the place your in needs evaluating before you can “move on.” If your frustrated, maybe your exercising some serious resistance to change, is it possible there’s a lesson that’s not being learned? I’m just asking…I ask for myself for anyone else who feels like what is is not enough. I happen to think that what is today is more than enough and if you are breathing and alive, maybe start there, with gratitude. And with one small gratitude comes the next, and then some compassion for the stuff that you’ve been through and an internal hug or high five for being a human being, which can be really fucking hard some days.
Maybe resolutions have to start with taking a good look at what is, above and below the surface.
Happy New Year.
