Have you heard Drake’s song “No New Friends…?” The message in this song is; due to Drake’s newfound fame/money flush existence, he’d like to keep newcomers, with unclear intentions out of his inner circle. It seems that he has an existing group of confidants and is not looking to recruit “new friends.” He proclaims, on repeat, that he only stays down with “my day one ni**as.” I contemplate this idea as a 38-year-old mother and not a famous, 30-year-old rapper. It is amazing the parallels I can draw from this notion of “no new friends,” both as the one wanting to be the “new friend,” and the one who feels most comfortable with my “day one”’s.
The difference between Drake and I, and clearly there are a few, but for the sake of keeping this succinct, let’s just point out the obvious. I am a non-famous, woman, who can rap, BUT, my daily life requires the more mundane tasks of preschool drop-off and various forms of cleaning. Thus, my social life is likely less volatile and/or desirable. However, making friends as an adult woman/mom has a similar theme to a famous rap crew.
You see, the woman who have been in the same mom-gang since their kids where born, or moved into their current neighborhood at the same time as said child’s birth, have developed a desirable ‘crew-life.’ For these crews, geography, life circumstance and general social classes aligned for them from the get, thus creating a friend-making all-you-can-hang-buffet. And now that crew is established, trying to join can be tricky, if not impossible. Is my “groupie” “rap crew” analogy making any sense?
I find myself on the in and outside of the “no, new friends,” motto. I’m on the outside as I’ve entered a community after its creation, thus making me the “new friend.” However, I have my own close friends; they do not share my neighborhood or life circumstances, but they are my ‘day one’’s. And now I’m finding myself looking for “new friends,” while also proceeding with some pretty serious caution. I’m starting think that exercising such caution has been limiting my experience and leaving me consequently lonely.
It really doesn’t matter what stage of life you’re in, making new friends can be complicated and loaded with fear and land mines. Entering into a new group is really about your ‘box’. No, not your vagina… your packaging, your attributes that make you relatable. Think about your box, what type of packaging are you working with? Does it have a nice cellophane screen so that others can easily know what’s inside? Does your box contain enough room for the contents of your soul?
You see, your box is how others identify you. Your packaging is how others know whether they can or cannot handle you. So, if your box is the same shape as other boxes, you can join that stack!
I don’t have a box. I am box-less; Identity-less really. You may think, EVERYONE has to have an identity, but the truth is, everyone has a persona (likes, dislikes, conditioned preferences). I have never been defined by any one thing; I don’t really know my ethnic background; my social and monetary status is ambiguous and I have no singular talent. My likes and dislikes change all of the time, while containing a few intrinsic truths. But, I’m without a ‘typical’ box. I am unable to be categorized on sight. For me, making friends is a process that must be rooted in love, acceptance and authenticity…not always common when newly sniffing the butts of strangers;-)
The point of sharing this is to shed light on the complications of building true bonds and connections. It’s no one’s fault. Everyone is conditioned to align with those that feel safe, and can be defined or associated with familiarity. It is egoic and human to desire bonds that elevate one’s status and/or feelings of belonging.
I find myself in this new (neighborhood, son’s school) place in the life, where it’s as though I’m a bit late to the ball. I’ve arrived but everyone is already seated at their tables and engaged in a dialogue that began what seems like a lifetime ago. I’m also not exercising much bravery in my situation. I could find an empty chair, bring my truth to the table in order to find a community…but I haven’t. It’s the old “chicken and the egg;” which came first? Does the person hatch new opportunities in order to join a community, or do the opportunities hatch from being a part of the new community?
For now, I’ve assigned myself the task of entering into all social dynamics with an open heart and a conduit of love and peace. Maybe that’s how the community begins, with a core of energy that engages new people and draws them together for a shared experience.
As I’ve shared, the early months of motherhood where complicated and painful at times. I couldn’t wait to start a diet, start restricting again for peace of mind. As soon as I stopped breast feeding, I set out on the diet rollercoaster. My meal plans where ridiculous; I was eating low-fat, vanilla yogurts and string cheese and bacon, no fruit, barely any veggies. Did I mention that I have a dairy allergy? Restriction was such an anchor in my state of spinning. I quickly realized that my body doesn’t like vanilla yogurt and no matter how fast Kate Middleton lost her baby weight on this “diet,” I could not continue to eat like that.
How am I the strongest and healthiest I’ve ever been? I’ve contemplated thoughtfully by how to articulate my “how,” so that it is intelligible but also so that you my grasp my process (without taking up two and half years of your life, like it did mine). I’ve referred to my “self-development” previously and it’s vital to reveal that without going inside, I would not be healthy on the outside.